On the Way Home.

About two days later the whole family was leaving a store and heading home.  We were about 3 or 4 miles from home and the stomach cramp hit.  I started to panic, because I knew this was the same feeling I had the other night.  I pulled over to the side of the road, I was thinking I was going to jump out and ‘pop-a-squat’ right there, but then realized it was 2:00 in the afternoon and I think that is illegal.  I didn’t know what to do, and the pressure was starting to really bare down on me.  I was trying with all my might to fight the urge to go.

Lori was trying to comfort me, “It’s OK, we can clean it up, it’s OK.”

I was now completely clenched, my whole body was locked tight and I was griping the steering wheel with both hands and then it happened.  I started going, I couldn’t stop it.  I started screaming, “NO NO NO!!!” at the top of my lungs.   My poor sons where in the back of the van, crying and scared at the same time.  They thought I was dying, they had no idea.

When it was over I sat there for a minute and then started crying.   I slowly started back into traffic and we had a very quiet drive home.  I cried all the way home.  I couldn’t believe it had happened again.  This was actually the third time.  The night before I went a little in my underwear, but I made it to the bathroom, so I quickly dismissed it as another accident.  But now I was beginning to realize, it wasn’t a one time thing.

When we got home I carefully got out of the car and went into the shower.  We had to clean everything off and then I had to take a shower.  Lori cleaned the car and took care of everything out there for me.  I cried during the whole shower.  I remember the water breaking over my head and running down my body.  I wanted it to clean me, not just the outside, but the inside as well.

When I got out of the shower and got dressed I called the boys in to the bedroom to talk to them.  I had to explain to them what was going on and what happened.  Then I had to tell them the news that I didn’t want to hear myself.  I told them that I was going to have to start wearing diapers.  I didn’t even get the whole word, ‘diapers’ out before I burst into tears.  I was so embarrassed to have to tell my boys that their daddy had to wear diapers.  I sat there crying, trying to compose myself, but I couldn’t.  Nevin put his hand on my shoulder to comfort me, “It’s OK dad, it’s OK,” he told me while also crying.  Then Colbe said, “we won’t tell anyone about this, we will help you hide it.  If we are out in public and you have an accident, you can give us a signal and we can go and sneak you in a new diaper, so nobody knows.”

I was thankful for a family that understood, but I still didn’t feel good I knew my life was going to be rough I just didn’t realize how rough.

I began having accidents on a regular basis.  I just couldn’t stop them.  It was like I no longer had any butt muscles.  The urge would come, and before I could react, I would start going.  (To date I have had well over 100 accidents.) Every time it happened it would frustrate me so much.  I felt so helpless, what was wrong with me????  Why can’t I hold it in anymore?

Clean up was very difficult.  I would have to remove the diaper and be careful not to ‘drip’ anything.  Then I would wrap up the diaper and roll it in toilet paper to make a huge ball of paper.  Then I had to clean myself.  This was the worst part.  To spare you everything, let me just say, there is a lot of surface area that needs to be cleaned.  When you change a baby, at least you can see where you need to wipe, but in my case I just had to guess.  Then you have to add in the depression, the embarrassment, the frustration, the fear of someone finding out.

Every accident was one more chunk of my dignity gone, one more chip of my humanity removed.  As much as I tried to fight it, I was loosing the battle.  I was trying to stay positive, but my life was like a sinking ship and I was going down fast…

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~ by Chaz on March 19, 2009.

4 Responses to “On the Way Home.”

  1. You have a treasure in Lori and you guys have incredible boys! Maybe this is why you have 3 and no girls… who knows! But I speak honestly here… when my mom was in her car accident and became paralyzed… she had no control of her bowels. She was dependent on others to clean her up or even to “stimulate her bowls”, and I saw the same things happen to her. And you know what…The adult body should not have to go through these types of things for any reason!!!! Yet, God has this all orchestrated when we don’t understand.

  2. I just wanted to say, I think you’re incredibly brave for sharing the details of your illness. It actually made me cry, the way your family loves and supports you. I think you’re doing a HUGE service here in writing down your story and sharing it with other people. Other people with chronic illnesses don’t need to feel so alone or embarrassed that their bodies aren’t working properly. Also, for people who don’t have a chronic illness/disease, you’re helping them truly appreciate the health that God has given them because health is a gift so many people take for granted everyday. Honestly, thank you for sharing your experiences.

  3. Thanks for the comments and the continued support. It means a lot to me.

  4. Chaz,
    I feel for you, especially since I have felt your pain myself. I had to resort to diapers myself. Even wearing them, it’s still not easy. I remember the first time I had to swallow my male ego and pride and put a diaper on for the first time. I was alone in my room and felt so much shame. The accidents are another story. I had an incident the other day while getting my hair cut. I actually was able pay and to get out of the shop before the worst happened. I don’t know why I didn’t ask for access to their facilities, they weren’t public. However, I felt like a person that is doomed to be a an embarrassment, both to myself, and maybe others. It is nice to hear similar stories. It is so nice you have your wife and kids to help you, I don’t have that right now.

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